Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Coming Soon

Hey everyone,

Just letting you know that I'm pretty swamped for the next two weeks so while the second chapter will be up soon it might take longer than I had originally thought. PLEASE comment in the meantime :-)



Monday, October 26, 2009

Wild At Heart: Chapter One

Hey everyone! Here are my thoughts on the first chapter of Wild At Heart by John Eldredge. Hope you enjoy reading!

“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly…who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never known neither victory or defeat.”
--Teddy Roosevelt

“He is not tame, but he is good.”
--C.S. Lewis: The Chronicles of Narnia

John Eldredge begins his work by describing a trek he is taking through the Sawatch Range in Colorado. He speaks of grand wilderness and stunning colors. He tells the reader how he is searching the elusive bull elk. He wants to catch a glimpse of the magnificently elusive creature but knowing that the likeliness of that happening is not very good. Still he presses on in his journey, and then lets the reader in on a secret: It is not for the bull moose that he is in the middle of nowhere. In his own words he says “There is something else I’m after…I am searching for an even more elusive prey…something that can only be found through the help of wilderness. I am looking for my heart.”

Throughout the first chapter, Eldredge invites men to take a deep and revealing look at their lives and admit that something is off. Something is missing. Somehow, our society has lost the definition of true masculinity and has stripped men of their wildness, of their heart. “The core of a man’s heart is undomesticated and that is good.” He is not talking about violence or inviting men to be cruel with their strength. He is rather inviting men to truly explore what it is about them, at their core, that makes them long for something more, something exciting, something dangerous.

Eldredge makes a great point a couple pages later when he says that “society at large cannot make up its mind about men. Having spent the last thirty years redefining masculinity into something more sensitive, safe, manageable and well, feminine, it now berates men for not being men…how can a man know he is one when his highest aim is minding his manners?”

AMEN! This is one of my biggest pet peeves about how men are represented in society, whether it’s commercials, blockbuster movies or novels. Men are put into a box of being “safe” or a bit dull or dimwitted and when a character falls out of that mold, they are the “bad boy” or the “rebel.” Sheesh. I mean…really…look at, William Wallace, or William Wilburforce. Those were two absolutely powerhouse men who fought for justice in very real ways. One fought on a battlefield, one in a courtroom…but both strong, determined and definitely “unsafe” men. (Incidentally, William Wilburforce is one of my personal heroes…I hope to write a paper or something about him one day. ☺ )
Anyway, back to the book:
Eldredge undresses the typical Christian man. He is stable, dependable, non-drinker, non-smoker…nice guy…and…BORED. Eldredge claims that a lot of the Christian men in America are bored. He is not saying every one is like that but he is saying that the church as a whole has slacked off on inviting men to share their masculinity with the church body. He then asks both his male and female readers “What makes you come alive? What stirs your heart?”
The answers to these questions are essential if we as humans, as children of God as soldiers for Christ are ever going to realize our potential for the Kingdom of Heaven.

There are three desires which Eldredge says are written onto the heart of every man. These are: A battle to fight, an adventure to live and a beauty to rescue.

A Battle To Fight –
(NOTE: Each of these three have their own chapters…so I will do a bit now but will unpack them more in depth when I get to those chapters)
Eldredge claims that there is “something fierce in the heart of every man.” I love this statement. Exodus 15:3 states that “The LORD is a warrior. The LORD is His name.” We serve a God who is not tame, He is not safe, but He is good! He is a powerful warrior, fighting for the souls and hearts of His chosen people. It’s a beautiful, wonderful, exciting story we are a part of and men are specifically chosen to represent the wild, passionate, intense part of God’s character.

Let me pause for a moment and say that I personally believe the heart of a warrior is in the makeup of all men. It might be hidden from years of neglect (as Eldredge suggests and goes into in a later chapter) or it might have been beaten down so much that some men do not believe it exists but it IS there.
“Life needs a man to be fierce-and fiercely devoted.”

An Adventure To Live –
In this section, Eldredge talks about a movie called Legends of the Fall starring Anthony Hopkins and Brad Pitt. Pitt stars as Tristan, the middle of three sons who is as wild as the country surrounding him. He is passionate, fierce, romantic and completely devoted to those he loves. He is not perfect, he is a flawed character but his strength is to be admired. (I personally really like this movie…just sayin…) but the point is that Tristan, unlike his brothers went looking for adventure. He seized life and lived it to the fullest. He sucked all the marrow out of life. (Dead Poet’s Society reference anyone? Yeah, I’m a movie buff…so there will mostly likely be a lot of movie quotes or examples in here. Probably some books too…)

Adventure is an essential part of anyone’s life. It is something that is written on the heart of people, something we long for like nothing else. It is also something most of us have packed away as impossible or as not responsible. That packing away of our desire for adventure is a dangerous thing…and something which will be discussed in a later chapter (see, I’m reeling you in with all these little preview tidbits…right? Right? Wink…wink…)

A Beauty To Rescue/ A Feminine Heart (two different but related sections)
The first section talks about how it is not enough for a man to have a battle to fight, he must have someone to fight for. “The battle itself is never enough; a man longs for romance. It’s not enough to be a hero; it’s that he is a hero to someone in particular, to the woman he loves.”

Eldredge goes on to talk about the feminine heart and say that like men, women also have deep desires: She wants to be wanted, wants to be pursued, to be fought for. It is not enough to be noticed…a woman wants to be wanted and desired. Women, according to Eldredge also want an adventure to share. We want to be caught up in something bigger than ourselves…to have an adventure to share with the man we love.

When a man offers his strength and a woman her beauty…that is when a picture of beautiful and true unity is formed.

So…that’s a lot of material I know. And I know that I haven’t talked a lot about what I thought or unpacked it that much…but this was just the first chapter and most of these points are unpacked later so I will be able to get more in depth later.

Anyway, thank you for reading this far…and please comment! I’d love to know if you have any thoughts about this too. If you disagree with him, or me or anything I’ve written please let me know. I want this to generate discussion.

I will say right off the bat, that I do not agree with everything in this book and I am not blindly following or spouting what he says without thinking. I am thinking and digesting this and I will be debating and disagreeing with him at times.
ANYWAY, I’m done now. New post next week ☺ Thanks everyone!

Friday, October 23, 2009



So I've decided what I'm going to do with this blog. I will not let it go down in flames but will instead use it hopefully constructively...

If you're interested in the "every day" part of my life...please check out my other blog:

I'm going to take some of the non-fiction books that I've always wanted to read/finish reading and go through chapter by chapter and put down a summary and some thoughts on the chapter.

The first book I am going to do this for is Wild At Heart by John Eldredge
After that I'm hoping to go through Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
Surprised by Joy (or possibly The Four Loves) by C.S. Lewis

I am open to suggestions after the first or second book, and I'd love feedback/arguments/what in the heck are you talking about comments from anyone.

So the *plan* is to put up a post every week or every two weeks about a chapter until the book is done.
I hope this will be a fun thing...both for you the reader, and me the writer.

So without further ado...the next time I post I will start on Wild At Heart!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

...And...I say Farewell...

Hey everyone!

So, I don't really update this often so I decided that I would kinda stop using it for now. I'm not sure if anyone still reads this but...I thought I'd let you know.

I *am* starting a video journal/blog thing...some serious, some not...and I might make a new site with those on it. If you would like the address to that site please contact me over facebook/email or through a comment on here.

Thanks everyone!

Friday, September 4, 2009

Wish I could eat chocolate...

All of the wondering, the fighting, the hurting each other...it's over now. I'm not sorry...I'm not sorry to have dated a wonderful guy this past year. I'm not sorry to have fallen in love...and I'm not sorry to be in this pain right now. And I'm not giving up hope...hope that we can be friends...hope that if it is God's will we will eventually be able to come back together...but right now I need my SAVIOR in my life. I need my JESUS. We both need HIM. I pray for the both of us and I ask that you all pray too. There are two really hurting people right now...hurting people who need the healing power of their LORD CHRIST.



Thursday, September 3, 2009

What A Heart Is Beating For...


If someone told me about a month ago that asking God to teach me about love would shake things up in my life so much, would I have done it? I'm not sure. But...the thing is, that although things might be unsettling right now He *is* teaching me about love. HIS love. My love fails, my love puts undue pressure into things, my love is selfish, HIS love is selfLESS. I want to share that kind of love. And...I don't want to be afraid of love. Yes, love of any sort is messy and unpredictable and can cause a whole lot of chaos but in the end, choosing to love someone, be it a parent, friend, spouse/significant other...or even someone who is your 'mortal enemy' is a very freeing experience. Love, I'm convinced is a choice we have to make every day of our lives. Yes, the fuzzy feelings are there, but love is more than that as I'm sure all of you know. Love is more than saying "I love you" to someone. It's the small things...it's the choices we make every day. Saying the words without that seems hollow to me...but it's exactly what I do. I tell people I love them but I'm afraid I don't have the actions to back that up. I don't have the Love of Christ in me for them. It's a selfish thing.

Jesus, please help me be selfless and no matter what to never stop giving YOUR love to people. God please keep teaching me about love. No matter if it hurts...God I want to learn.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Two for one today

This kinda describes how I'm feeling at the moment...

"I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart...
It breaks my heart

--Regina Spektor: Fidelity (well, parts)

The music video for this song is amazing. During the whole thing she is "dating" a mannequin with no head, but in the last scene she breaks open her heart necklace and out pours all kinds of colored dust and then her 'fake guy' turns real and they have a colored dust fight. It made me really happy hehe.

I keep feeling like this is all a dream...that I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and things will be back to normal...I...know that can't happen. I know what I'd love to do but I can't do that, I can't even say what I want to say I...I...well...that's all for now.

And the beat goes on...

Well...I'm still as confused as I was yesterday. I tell you what, I thought yesterday was hard...oh no. Nothing compared to today. I didn't know I had that much water in me to cry so much but it's a good thing to cry sometimes. Geez...I found out today that there is no easy way to shut off reminders. Everywhere I go there are memories. I'm not sure what else to say except that I'd love it if you guys would pray. Obviously there is a lot I'm not going to blab about over cyberspace but let's just say that prayer would be greatly appreciated. I know God has His hand in this. I don't know how it will turn out but I know whatever happens it is God's doing and I'm ready to have an open hand and let Him take or give what He wants to.
Gah I hate that all of this is happening now. Why wouldn't it have happened like...six months ago eh? Well...no I know the answer to that. I wasn't ready to listen six months ago. Well I'm listening...not happy about it...but I'm listening.
It will work out for God's glory and He will keep my heart in His hand. I do wish my eyes would stop acting like leaky faucets though...

Friday, July 17, 2009

Midnight Thoughts

How is it that revelations seem to come just a bit too late sometimes. Like, you don't really see things clearly until you are forced to snap out of your present situation and take a step back.

I've learned some things over the past couple days...things that have been long in coming and that I've been running from for a long time. I know I've messed up. I know I've hurt those I care the most about. I know I've let a blessing pass me by and I was too stuck in my own selfishness to realize the blessing before it started slipping away from me.

God and I had a long talk today...several actually...and I really...honestly don't know what to say. I let go. It took a long time but I finally did it. I've been crying all day...and even now as I'm writing...tears are spilling from my eyes. I don't know the right decision here. I know what I want but I also am not sure that is what is needed...I have no idea. I have no control. Absolutely none. I am powerless in this situation, and it's about freakin' time.

I'm fallen...I'm broken...I'm weeping...I'm right where God wants me to be right now. I'm in a position where I have to surrender or be crushed by my own self-pity. I choose surrender.

I've put on a mask for so long...shut out my pain for so long that now...it is hitting me full force and all I want to do is...well...that...can't happen right now. I'm crying...full force...not trying to stop it...not numbing myself...not pushing the pain away. Just crying...aching...hurting...burning with the pain...and it is good. It is healing...it is needed...

The last time I cried so much was one day last year when I was waiting to make a phone call that would change my life. I wouldn't give up this year, nor would I want to erase it. I've learned so much and felt so much acceptance...and so much patience...and I've messed up larger than I ever have before.

Again, almost a year later I'm now waiting on a phone call...one that will change my life as well. I have no idea what will happen but I do know that no matter what happens I will not give up. I will not be ruled by fear or dread any longer. I won't.

If given the chance I would fight tooth and nail for the very thing I let slip away. I'm ready to fight. I'm willing to fight...months too late, but I'm ready. It might not matter now. But...I have hope. I have hope that things will be okay. God will have His way in this. He will use this for His glory. He will heal the broken and restore freedom and hope to the captive.


"Sweeping eggshells still at 3 A.M.
We're trying far too hard
The tattered thought balloons above our heads
Sinking in the weight of all we need to say
Why's and what if's have since long played out
Left us short on happy endings

And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On this endless night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never"
--Part of Now or Never: Josh Groban

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

It's Time

"I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my
heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?

When all my efforts seem like chasing wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm down to the core
I can't fake it anymore.

Here I am at the end I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering"

-Nicol Sponburg: Resurrection

Friday, July 10, 2009


I just got finished listening to one of my favorite songs "Defying Gravity" from the musical Wicked. :-) Great song. I wish I could sing that one day.

Anyway, right now I'm getting ready to go to the beach with two of my best girl friends and I'm excited for the week to begin. I'm looking forward to not have responsibilities for a week. I'm also excited to have some time to read and journal and write and stuff like that. Maybe I'll even work on my senior project whilst down there. hehe. Maybe.

I've discovered some interesting things about myself lately, one of which is that I need to write my 'revelations' down because I forget otherwise...I need that tangible reminder. I just have gotten out of the habit of writing...*grin*

There have been lots of things happening lately and I'm still confused but I've decided to live in the confusion and let God sort it out in His timing. :-) Cause He will. And being confused won't hurt anyone for the time being...it will later if I never get unconfused but for now it's a faith thing...and I'm tired of running...I'm letting God handle this.

Here are some things I'm hoping to do while down there:
--Get a tan
--Do a lot of reading/writing/journaling/drawing
--Go see HP 6
-- Some good girl time
-- Good discussion
-- Some fun phone conversations with my guy
-- Some good workouts on the beach
-- Watching fun movies

:-) I like vacation! The only things that would make it even more awesome is if I could smuggle Teej and my cat with me in my suitcase hehe. Alas...neither of those options will happen. Kiki would whine the whole time and I don't think Teej would like being shoved in a suitcase either. haha.
Anyway. I gotta go and finish packing. :-)

Beach: here I come!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Because I knew you...

"I've heard it said 
That people come into our lives 
For a reason 
Bringing something we must learn 
And we are led 
To those who help us most to grow 
If we let them 
And we help them in return 

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true 
But I know I'm who I am today 
Because I knew you... 

Like a comet pulled from orbit 
As it passes a sun 
Like a stream that meets a boulder 
Halfway through the wood 
Who can say if I've been changed for the better? 
But because I knew you 
I have been changed for good 

It well may be 
That we will never meet again 
In this lifetime 
So let me say before we part 
So much of me 
Is made of what I learned from you 
You'll be with me 
Like a handprint on my heart 
And now whatever way our stories end 
I know you have re-written mine 
By being my friend... 

Like a ship blown from its mooring 
By a wind off the sea 

Like a seed dropped by a skybird 
In a distant wood 
Who can say if I've been changed for the better? 
But because I knew you 

I have been changed for good"

Monday, May 25, 2009

Well...I'm back.

I thought I'd post something...it's been so long hehe.

I've gone through so much in the past couple months that I'm not going to try and re-cap things, but know...I got out of school with good grades thanks to the grace of God :-)

I've decided to stop running away from God...to stop...hiding from what He wants to say to me and do in my life. I've let my own self pull me away from God and I can't have that anymore. I need Him now more than ever and...I want to trust Him...I do...I just...its...difficult for me to simply let go and let Him lead. I don't know what to do from day to day about stuff. One day I'm fine and the next day I'm back down again. I know this will fade in time but I'm sick of it. But...I'm not losing hope. I do know as soon as I let Him, God will romance my soul and will lead me back to Him.

It's a big issue with me. I didn't realize that until...well until I had someone in my life that I really needed to trust more than anyone else before. I realized just how painful trust is for me...and especially how little I really do *trust* people...and even God. That was an awakening realization. I thought I trusted God...and I did...but I always figured that what I trusted Him about would work out the way I thought it would...and when it didn't...instead of thanking Him and accepting the blessing, I immeditally thought it was a trap and that He wanted me out of the situation and so I ran from Him. Now...I want to stop running...but hehe it's hard to just sit and wait.

I'm not a patient person...as anyone who knows me will tell you, but I think I'm supposed to be learning trust...and patience through this. Fun. haha :-)

Anyway, that's all for now. I've been having the feeling that I want to draw for a couple days now so I'm going to go sketch something. Not sure what...but...maybe if I like it enough I'll scan it on here. We will see.

Oh, and Happy Memorial Day!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

What Can I Say?

long time no write eh? Things have been pretty insane lately. The show I'm the assisstent director for just opened last weekend. The cast did a wonderful job! I was so proud of them :-)
We have two more shows this weekend and then we are DONE! I've been working on this show every week since I got back from Christmas Break and while it has been fun I will be glad when I've got more free time....which will be spent doing...school...yeah...not so fun but oh well.

Yeah without going into too much, my life has been pretty crazy as of late. I'm still very confused. I know I have to make a decision about something...no one can make it for me and when it comes right down to it, no one can really help. Growing up is kinda alarming at times. I'd love prayer for this if any of you get a chance. :-)
Since...although I am a writer I have a hard time expressing how I feel in plain words a lot of the time so here are some lyrics.

Sometimes I think I know what the right answer should be:
"The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay..."

Of course then there are other times when:
"How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy ending
Amost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close"

and then there are times when:
"Now my heart is music, such a simple song
Sing it again the notes never end this is where I belong"

I know God has a plan. I'm just not sure what that plan is as of now.
I'm starting to get that feeling that comes up sometimes. I get this churning in my stomach...like this...feeling that I know what I *should* do or *ought* to do but...I have no idea. Like...for instance, I struggle sometimes about whether or not God wants me to be a missionary overseas full time. I have a passion for the arts, and a passion for literature...I don't really have a passion for missions but maybe I'm just supposed to be over there...all alone in a foreign country...working and shunning traditional life. I don't *want* to do that, but I feel like I should...or that is what God wants me to do...and then other times I feel like I'm supposed to stay in America and live a more traditional life...well...traditional in the sense that I get married have kids and work as a writer/actress/agent or editor. That's what I *want* to do. That's what I'd like to do but that doesn't seem right somehow. I dunno if I'm just feeling guilty and I figure if God wanted me to do that sort of thing He would let me know in no uncertain terms like...giving me a passion for it. I mean I know sometimes God calls us to get out of our comfort zone and to denounce the world and such but I don't know if that's for me or not. I'd love to be able to say "yes I'll do that" but I...I...I dunno. I just don't know. You'd think I'd have some interest in full time missions if I was supposed to do that...and you'd think I'd be pretty dang set on celibicy if I was supposed to do that...but what if...I've thought all this stuff my whole life and then now God wants me to just drop everything I love and everything I want to do something I don't love but that I should do or that I'd grow to love eventually.
As you can see I'm pretty pathetic when it comes to hashing all of this stuff out. Generally, I don't feel the call to full time missions...its just when everything else blows up and gets stressful then I start thinking and thinking and thinking about it again and again. I guess that should tell me something eh?
I mean...on the one hand I could have let fear stifle my passion for missions...but...I don't really think that's the case.
I need to do school and stop hashing this out over and over in my head.
If you read this long...you get a gold star.
The End!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

These Dreams Inside

Dare to HOPE!

I was re-reading some of my older posts from March last year and...I have to say I feel like I'm in kinda the same position that I was then only in a completely different way.
I've become far too dependent on other aspects of my life besides Christ.

I've come to expect that my days will be hard...that school will stress me out...that if I need to I can whine to someone about all of these things. I don't remember the last time I woke up and was thinking "God can make this a good day, and even if it doesn't go well...then HE will be my portion."

I hate that. I wish I could both be close to humans AND God at the same time. I want to be able to depend on others but ultimately depend on God to fill me up and to sustain me.

I'm not sure I've found that balance yet and I hate that because...I mean...I feel like I'm retreating into myself again because I'm afraid of what God would tell me to do if I ran after Him. I'd love to run after Him...LOVE to fall into His arms and let Him chase the darkness away. I feel like I'm grabbing so tightly to my fears and my thoughts and my hopes...my dreams to release them to God.

I *know* He has my best interest at heart and if I *do* need to give up something or be broken or whatever then He will give me the strength to be joyful in that situation.

I haven't been extremely close with God since last summer and I *hate* that. This year hasn't been that great as far as my walk with my Savior Jesus. I feel like it has been an extreme dry phase and I'm not sure that it should go on this long.

I'm scared frankly. I'm scared of myself...I'm scared of what God wants to do...I'm scared of my own stupid paranoia.

I had some encouragment today when I was reading my Bible. Psalm 73:26

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

That verse exactly sums up how I feel about myself. My flesh and my heart have failed me...and I just pray I can let God *be* my strength and my portion.

I'm tired of being afraid.
Just...so tired.
I know God has awesome plans for my life and I want to follow what Jesus has in store...

"This time I won't run away
I found the strength to face life's long days
This time I won't run away...

More than it seems these dreams inside (show me the way to these dreams)
Blur reality's line ('til there's nothing that's left of me)
If I could believe the dreams aside (show me the way to these dreams)
I am capable more than it seems

'Til there's nothing left of me
Show me the way to these dreams"
-- Kutless: More Than It Seems

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Do you think I'm beautiful?

So...I'm a day late in writing something for v-day...but I figure better late than never. I'm kinda proud of this hehe I haven't really written anything 'romantic' in a while so yeah...it was nice to get back into the groove. :-) Yeah if you're not feeling particularly cordial to romance at the moment I'd suggest skipping this blog...if not...read on...I might use this scene in a story I'm working on but I'm not sure where exactly it'd fit. Right now it is an after v-day scene that wanted to be written.
Friendship --

She sat there trying to concentrate on the words in front of her but the pent up tears in her eyes kept the words a continual blur. She wasn't sure how long she could hold back what she didn't want him to see. Quickly she got up and left the room, taking her book with her as protection from the question in his eyes. She went to her quiet spot the place all her own. She sat huddled on the familiar old sofa and clung to a green throw pillow while her tears spilled out of their confinement. Her breath came in ragged gasps as the sobs wracked her body.
She tried to subdue her tears by focusing again on her book but that only helped for a few moments. Again the frustration, confusion, anxiety and helplessness surrounded her...taunting her just reached emotional balance. The second wave of tears began. She wished there was someone to hold her but she was alone. The memories of years past...countless times being in the exact room...her tears falling freely and no one there to dry them...crashed into her memory as another sob escaped her lips.
She heard a noise and looked up to see him standing in the doorway a look of confusion and concern mixing in his gaze. He walked over and sat beside her and asked to know the problem. She shook her head. She couldn't tell him...couldn't express the emotions she didn't understand herself.
He'd never seen her cry before and his eyes clouded with an unreadable expression as he sat with her and watched as the tears kept falling. He tried again to get her to talk to him. There was a slight pause as she tried to focus on her book instead of him. Finally, she was able to speak.

"I'm so tired." she whispered.
"I know" he replied.

"I'm sick of this..." she sniffed. "Why can't all this just go away." The tears were back again accompanied by the violent sobs. He took the book from her hands and wrapped his arms around her, his head resting on hers. She hugged him back, drawing strength from his calming presence.
"Thank you" she said quietly.
"For what?" he asked.
"Just holding me..."
He pulled out of the hug for a moment and looked into her tear-stained face. "My pleasure" he whispered and gently kissed her forehead.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Remembering You...

So...I know that literally I'm in 'winter' right now physically but I also feel like I'm in an emotional and spiritual winter also. I'm not sure how long I will be here but I found this song by Steven Curtis Chapman and it really encouraged me:

I found You in the most unlikely way
But really it was You who found me
And I found myself in the gifts that You gave
You gave me so much and I
I wish You could stay

but I'll, I'll wait for the day

And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing and I'll be remembering You,
I'll be remembering You

From the first moment when I heard Your name
Something in my heart came alive
You showed me love and no words could explain
A love with the power to
Open the door
To a world I was made for

(Chorus again)

The dark night, the hard fight
The long climb up the hill knowing the cost
The brave death, the last breathe
The silence whispering all hope was lost
The thunder, the wonder
A power that brings the dead back to life

I wish You could stay
But I'll wait for the day
And though You've gone away
You come back and...


And I'll watch as the sun fills a sky that was dark
And I'll be remembering You
And I'll think of the way that You fill up my heart
And I'll be remembering You...

I'll be remembering...

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Restless Creative Urge

Something I made today:

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Apathy and Amazing Grace

There's too much mulling around inside my head right now to write a 'train of thought' blog. Its a combination of three things: the movie Amazing Grace, Lamentations 3 and James' latest blog post. If you haven't seen or read any of these then this might be a little hard to follow. Maybe not...

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me...
"It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
How could I have let my profound gratitude slip into self gratification.

I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see...
"He has driven and brought me into darkness without any light...
But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope; the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases."
I've forgotten the power of Your love my Lord my God. I have forgotten my blind struggle and have settled into the stagnate comfort of the midday sun.

Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear,
And Grace my fears relieved...
"It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him...For the Lord with not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love."
I fear the wrong things in life Lord Jesus. I fear for myself and my position. I fear for my hopes and dreams. I fear for my own self comfort, while others are bearing the yoke...aching for the salvation of God and not knowing how that comes. My heart aches for them but my mind holds me back. My fear holds me back. Let grace my fears relieve...don't let me forget that grace.

Okay. That is the only way I could get some of that out. Now I will go into more detail. I feel like God is calling me to something. Something greater than I could imagine. I'm not sure what it is, and I'm not sure what to believe at the moment, but one thing I do know is that I'm sick and tired of being apathetic. I'm an artist...and for the past...four years I've been studying about other artists...learning my craft...doing what I thought God was calling me to...only to be struck with doubt. I think my thing is that...I'm learning about the suffering people, the broken people of the artist community but do I do anything about them? No. I only learn and feel a few moments of heartache. Even now, I feel like this post is somewhat superficial because...am I actually doing anything? I'm talking about how I don't want to just talk anymore. Yeesh.
There is an upside to this, however; and that is the movie Amazing Grace. In the movie William Wilberforce found God. He was a politician and did not know how to reconcile his politics with his faith. He went to his old pastor, John Newton, the man who wrote the hymn, Amazing Grace. Wilberforce didn't get very far when John told him that he was NOT meant for a life of solitude. That people wouldn't let him be. Wilberforce went on to become one of the most influential politicians in England...eventually getting a bill passed for the abolition of slavery in Britain.
Every time I watch that movie I get something new out of it...guess that is one of the marks of a good movie eh?
He was able to combine politics and faith in an extraordinary way. I feel like God is calling me to something larger than I know with my art. That fact...frankly terrifies me. I don't know how to handle it...
That combined with...well frankly my decline of passion...has got me in a real...interesting...situation.
I don't want to be apathetic to the world around me.
I don't want to forget the amazingly incredible work of Jesus for humanity.
Jesus, please don't let me sink into apathy. Lord, you know I'm scared but You also know I want to serve you. Jesus, please light the fire in my heart again for You and Your purpose.
Amazing Grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.


Friday, January 30, 2009

Survey: Read to the end...there's a story

Yes, my middle name. I was named after my great-grandma.

I think...hmm...a few days ago...

Eh. At times...

I'm not a big meat fan, but I'd have to say turkey


I hope so...

Well, um...lets see...um...yes.

Yes, yes I do.

Eh...maybe...I'd rather skydive.

hmmm Granola.


12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Butter Pecan, cinnamon swirl


Depends on my mood. I like them both
Well gosh...um...lets see...I miss lots of people a lot.
Nah...only a couple if they want to but I doubt anyone will.
19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Stefanie talking to me.
20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Well, I'm not sure. Stef says I'd be purple...or green. I say either those or a happy yellow.
21. FAVORITE SMELLS? Pumpkin, Vanilla, I like citris...freshly baked bread...flowers...green apple...dove soap...guy cologne...my perfume...popcorn...pizza...basically I just love smells. :-)
23. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Basketball, tennis, hockey...volleyball...soccer...
24. HAIR COLOR? brown with blonde highlights
25. EYE COLOR? Well it depends on the day. Stefanie says 'fantasy' and I like that so we'll go with it.
27. FAVORITE FOOD? Pancakes
31. SUMMER OR WINTER?? Summer for the no school...Winter for the weather
32. HUGS OR KISSES? I like both
35. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING RIGHT NOW? Um...Wild At Heart, Walking with God, HP 5, Graceling...
36. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Don't have one
37. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Don't have tv at school
38. FAVORITE SOUND(S)? Not sure. I like music...I like the sound of my cat purring...
39. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? I like some of both
43. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? I will be surprised if anyone does this
Well let's see...one day, during my time as a closet world traveler... whilst I was in a hot air balloon...the wind picked up rather suddenly. I floated aimlessly until I saw that the balloon was losing altitude and heading straight for a mass of rather pointy branches. I didnt know what to do, there wasn't really anything I could do. Well, yes the inevitable happened because really what else could in a story like this. My hot air balloon got caught in the branches...and I was left there wondering if I should climb down or not. It was getting pretty dark and I began to see some rather unpleasant wildlife wandering below...then out of nowhere...I heard a voice say "Need any help?"
I looked down...and there...looking resplendent...was...
Mrs. Kandervian. A wealthy woman of prominence in the area. She signaled for her hunting party to come and some of the men helped me down. She then decided I was in need of matchmaking and decided to whisk me away to her estate for a ball she was giving.
I can't remember much about the ball except that I was wearing a gorgeous Burgundy dress that swished when I walked. All I know is that when I got downstairs...there wasn't one man under the age of 65. I gulped and made a decision that I was going to get out of there as soon as possible, but there was no way out. I danced and talked and laughed and tried to plot my escape...
One of the servants took pity on my plight and let me out through a hole in the wall. Thankfully it was summer so I wasn't freezing in that dress. I was able to hot wire a motorbike (Mrs. K was very eccentric in her collection of gas powered devices) and drive to the nearest town where i sold the dress and jewelry, bought new clothes...and an airplane ticket back to the states. I realized that I was going to be late for my first day of my new classes so I booked it to the school...I walked in...sat down and was promptly introduced to a guitar playing, writer with blue eyes and a fond attachment to his Fedora. We became fast friends and...well since I'm not one to prolong stories or anything...*snort* the rest is history. And that my dear children is how I met my 'significant other.'

Monday, January 26, 2009


Hola my loverly readers!

Let's see...today's topic is...well...to be frankly honest I'm not sure what the topic of this post should be, but I feel the need to tell you that while I was typing i heard the unmistakable sounds of a male voice bellowing at the top of his lungs..." we all live in a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine..."
Now, this might be a good time to point out that I am on the fifth floor and this lovely rendition to that timeless song was heard from behind closed windows...five stories into the air. I'm not sure whether to comment on the capacity of his lungs or the thinness of our walls...it is a predicament.

Thin walls and loud voices aside...hmm...thin walls and loud voices...sounds like a good title for a poem. I'm just in the kind of mood to write a poem actually...so I think I will. You can stop reading now if you want but I gotta tell you, if you do you'll be missing out...*cheeky grin*


Thin Walls and Loud Voices:
A quiet afternoon
The sun shining through the windows
The only sound is the clickty clack of my fingers across the keyboard.
I am just about to share my brilliance with the cyber world when from below...
A voice rings out and shatters my concentration. Something between yelling and singing the voice snatches up my cohesive thoughts and runs away with them to some little villa in the south of France.
Now I am left without my ability to remember what life shattering words I was going to type and the poor fellow below my window is left without his ability to charm the blue jays back from their winter sabbatical.
I suppose my thoughts are having fun.
Perhaps his voice decided to take them on a hot air balloon ride.
Maybe they are drifting by a famous work of art.
I hope they bring me back something.
I also hope that the voice returns to its owner.
You can't trust thoughts with voices...especially if they are from two different individuals. I mean, when thought and speech combine...strange things begin to happen. Ideas are born...and not only that...they are expressed.
Such is the world we live in.
A world where voice and thought can run rampant
And Idea is held as King.
Now if I could only remember why I started this in the first place...
Oh yes...
It all began with that yellow submarine.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Heart issues

I've been here a week and already things are speeding up to a frenzy. I don't mind really...I felt like I needed to let out some thoughts/fears and well...as not many people read this anyway...this is mostly just for me. If you want to keep going, please do, but know that this will be kinda 'train of thought' and might not make sense at times.

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of what could happen if I let myself go.
If I actually started living...really living...fully devoted to Christ and embracing the talents He gave me and actually taking hold of the confidence found in Him, I'd be dangerous. I mean, lets face it. I come down on myself pretty hard. Being of an 'artistic' personality, I'm constantly looking for affirmation from outside sources. Sometimes I ache for someone to tell me that I can do something or just even re-hash my 'good' points or qualities. I constantly compare myself to other people and then wonder why I can't be happy with myself. I'm afraid of what I'd find 'under the hood' of my self-conscience. I'm afraid of what God would ask me to do. I know He has great plans for my life and I just...well part of me is frightened to let Him have all MY ideas about life.
I have plans...plans for a nice life...but God didn't call His people to a 'nice' existence and that terrifies me sometimes. I want to live for Christ...its...I dunno...its so...awesome...this life of passion for God...that its intimidating to me to be honest.
It all comes down to the issue of trust. I find it hard to trust people. I'm not sure when all of this started but I think it stems from the fact that I've always wanted/needed approval and a lot of times I didn't feel like I got the re-assurance that i needed...and therefore have spent my life trying to reach that point where I no longer have to strive for something that seems impossible to reach.

I've been doing some 'searching' through the inner corners of my mind...and I've been discovering some deep seeded wounds there...accompanied by some things I just have to accept about myself.

One thing is that...like all females I've always wanted to be the Beauty...but as it often happens life has swept in and made me believe that I couldn't be that. God is showing me that I can...and am supposed to but its very hard to accept. I don't see myself in that light and I'm not sure how to go about living in that.

I lash out at people I care about. I do. I love arguments...I know when I can push someone and when I can't and I push. That's not right...and its selfish. I mean...okay, I don't think I'll ever not 'argue' or 'banter' or use wit/sarcasm but I do need to work on not arguing for the sake of the argument. I'm realizing how much that can hurt relationships.

I...need to give up my 'I have to be in control' attitude about things. I cling tightly onto what I think should happen and when it doesn't I sink back into myself. I've gone so far in that its taken quite awhile to even see a speck of sun.

Also...I have an issue with holding too tightly onto some things. That has to stop. Its driving a wedge between me and God and I won't accept that for how I live life.

Okay...I've about exhausted myself at the moment emotionally. If you got this far in reading...please pray that I'll allow God to continue to shape me...and not hold onto my former self.


Monday, January 12, 2009

What is this feeling...

Been silent for far too long haven't I?

Well, Christmas break came and went. I had my best semester yet grade wise so that was fun although I'd love it if I didn't emotionally wear myself out to get to that point.
Classes start tomorrow for the spring semester, and I must say I'm less than enthusiastic to be here. I'd much rather be home...but...I'm not so I've got to make the best of this semester and keep pushing along the path God has me walking down.

So much is flying through my head right now. I was doing so much better emotionally...but I'm feeling like I'm falling again, and I know it is the enemy trying to steal my joy. I won't let that happen. I fell away from the peace of my God for too long and I'm fighting now to again rest in Jesus.

I've actually got high hopes for this semester...none of my classes look like they're going to be extremely challenging...just LOTS of work. I'm taking 18 credit hours...my heaviest load yet here. After this semester though I only need to take like 15 both semesters of my senior year to graduate so that's fun. I let myself get lost in all of life's distractions last semester and I suffered from that emotionally...

Anyway, another semester is upon me whether I like it or not hehe...so it's better to go in with a positive attitude.

This is a learning experience...no pun intended.