Two for one today

This kinda describes how I'm feeling at the moment...

"I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart...
It breaks my heart

--Regina Spektor: Fidelity (well, parts)

The music video for this song is amazing. During the whole thing she is "dating" a mannequin with no head, but in the last scene she breaks open her heart necklace and out pours all kinds of colored dust and then her 'fake guy' turns real and they have a colored dust fight. It made me really happy hehe.

I keep feeling like this is all a dream...that I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and things will be back to normal...I...know that can't happen. I know what I'd love to do but I can't do that, I can't even say what I want to say I...I...well...that's all for now.

And the beat goes on...

Well...I'm still as confused as I was yesterday. I tell you what, I thought yesterday was hard...oh no. Nothing compared to today. I didn't know I had that much water in me to cry so much but it's a good thing to cry sometimes. Geez...I found out today that there is no easy way to shut off reminders. Everywhere I go there are memories. I'm not sure what else to say except that I'd love it if you guys would pray. Obviously there is a lot I'm not going to blab about over cyberspace but let's just say that prayer would be greatly appreciated. I know God has His hand in this. I don't know how it will turn out but I know whatever happens it is God's doing and I'm ready to have an open hand and let Him take or give what He wants to.

Gah I hate that all of this is happening now. Why wouldn't it have happened like...six months ago eh? Well...no I know the answer to that. I wasn't ready to listen six months ago. Well I'm listening...not happy about it...but I'm listening.

It will work out for God's glory and He will keep my heart in His hand. I do wish my eyes would stop acting like leaky faucets though...

Midnight Thoughts

How is it that revelations seem to come just a bit too late sometimes. Like, you don't really see things clearly until you are forced to snap out of your present situation and take a step back.

I've learned some things over the past couple days...things that have been long in coming and that I've been running from for a long time. I know I've messed up. I know I've hurt those I care the most about. I know I've let a blessing pass me by and I was too stuck in my own selfishness to realize the blessing before it started slipping away from me.

God and I had a long talk today...several actually...and I really...honestly don't know what to say. I let go. It took a long time but I finally did it. I've been crying all day...and even now as I'm writing...tears are spilling from my eyes. I don't know the right decision here. I know what I want but I also am not sure that is what is needed...I have no idea. I have no control. Absolutely none. I am powerless in this situation, and it's about freakin' time.

I'm fallen...I'm broken...I'm weeping...I'm right where God wants me to be right now. I'm in a position where I have to surrender or be crushed by my own self-pity. I choose surrender.

I've put on a mask for so long...shut out my pain for so long that now...it is hitting me full force and all I want to do is...well...that...can't happen right now. I'm crying...full force...not trying to stop it...not numbing myself...not pushing the pain away. Just crying...aching...hurting...burning with the pain...and it is good. It is healing...it is needed...

The last time I cried so much was one day last year when I was waiting to make a phone call that would change my life. I wouldn't give up this year, nor would I want to erase it. I've learned so much and felt so much acceptance...and so much patience...and I've messed up larger than I ever have before.

Again, almost a year later I'm now waiting on a phone call...one that will change my life as well. I have no idea what will happen but I do know that no matter what happens I will not give up. I will not be ruled by fear or dread any longer. I won't.

If given the chance I would fight tooth and nail for the very thing I let slip away. I'm ready to fight. I'm willing to fight...months too late, but I'm ready. It might not matter now. But...I have hope. I have hope that things will be okay. God will have His way in this. He will use this for His glory. He will heal the broken and restore freedom and hope to the captive.

Amen.

"Sweeping eggshells still at 3 A.M.
We're trying far too hard
The tattered thought balloons above our heads
Sinking in the weight of all we need to say
Why's and what if's have since long played out
Left us short on happy endings

And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On this endless night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never"

--Part of Now or Never: Josh Groban

It's Time

"I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?

When all my efforts seem like chasing wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm down to the core
I can't fake it anymore.


Here I am at the end I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering


Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering"

-Nicol Sponburg: Resurrection

Vacation!

I just got finished listening to one of my favorite songs "Defying Gravity" from the musical Wicked. :-) Great song. I wish I could sing that one day.

Anyway, right now I'm getting ready to go to the beach with two of my best girl friends and I'm excited for the week to begin. I'm looking forward to not have responsibilities for a week. I'm also excited to have some time to read and journal and write and stuff like that. Maybe I'll even work on my senior project whilst down there. hehe. Maybe.

I've discovered some interesting things about myself lately, one of which is that I need to write my 'revelations' down because I forget otherwise...I need that tangible reminder. I just have gotten out of the habit of writing...*grin*

There have been lots of things happening lately and I'm still confused but I've decided to live in the confusion and let God sort it out in His timing. :-) Cause He will. And being confused won't hurt anyone for the time being...it will later if I never get unconfused but for now it's a faith thing...and I'm tired of running...I'm letting God handle this.

Here are some things I'm hoping to do while down there:

--Get a tan

--Do a lot of reading/writing/journaling/drawing

--Go see HP 6

--Shopping

-- Some good girl time

-- Good discussion

-- Some fun phone conversations with my guy

-- Some good workouts on the beach

-- Watching fun movies

:-) I like vacation! The only things that would make it even more awesome is if I could smuggle Teej and my cat with me in my suitcase hehe. Alas...neither of those options will happen. Kiki would whine the whole time and I don't think Teej would like being shoved in a suitcase either. haha.

Anyway. I gotta go and finish packing. :-)

Beach: here I come!