Friday, July 17, 2009

Midnight Thoughts

How is it that revelations seem to come just a bit too late sometimes. Like, you don't really see things clearly until you are forced to snap out of your present situation and take a step back.

I've learned some things over the past couple days...things that have been long in coming and that I've been running from for a long time. I know I've messed up. I know I've hurt those I care the most about. I know I've let a blessing pass me by and I was too stuck in my own selfishness to realize the blessing before it started slipping away from me.

God and I had a long talk today...several actually...and I really...honestly don't know what to say. I let go. It took a long time but I finally did it. I've been crying all day...and even now as I'm writing...tears are spilling from my eyes. I don't know the right decision here. I know what I want but I also am not sure that is what is needed...I have no idea. I have no control. Absolutely none. I am powerless in this situation, and it's about freakin' time.

I'm fallen...I'm broken...I'm weeping...I'm right where God wants me to be right now. I'm in a position where I have to surrender or be crushed by my own self-pity. I choose surrender.

I've put on a mask for so long...shut out my pain for so long that now...it is hitting me full force and all I want to do is...well...that...can't happen right now. I'm crying...full force...not trying to stop it...not numbing myself...not pushing the pain away. Just crying...aching...hurting...burning with the pain...and it is good. It is healing...it is needed...

The last time I cried so much was one day last year when I was waiting to make a phone call that would change my life. I wouldn't give up this year, nor would I want to erase it. I've learned so much and felt so much acceptance...and so much patience...and I've messed up larger than I ever have before.

Again, almost a year later I'm now waiting on a phone call...one that will change my life as well. I have no idea what will happen but I do know that no matter what happens I will not give up. I will not be ruled by fear or dread any longer. I won't.

If given the chance I would fight tooth and nail for the very thing I let slip away. I'm ready to fight. I'm willing to fight...months too late, but I'm ready. It might not matter now. But...I have hope. I have hope that things will be okay. God will have His way in this. He will use this for His glory. He will heal the broken and restore freedom and hope to the captive.

Amen.

"Sweeping eggshells still at 3 A.M.
We're trying far too hard
The tattered thought balloons above our heads
Sinking in the weight of all we need to say
Why's and what if's have since long played out
Left us short on happy endings

And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On this endless night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never"
--Part of Now or Never: Josh Groban

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