Apathy and Amazing Grace

There's too much mulling around inside my head right now to write a 'train of thought' blog. Its a combination of three things: the movie Amazing Grace, Lamentations 3 and James' latest blog post. If you haven't seen or read any of these then this might be a little hard to follow. Maybe not...

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me...
"It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
How could I have let my profound gratitude slip into self gratification.

I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see...
"He has driven and brought me into darkness without any light...
But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope; the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases."
I've forgotten the power of Your love my Lord my God. I have forgotten my blind struggle and have settled into the stagnate comfort of the midday sun.

Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear,
And Grace my fears relieved...
"It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him...For the Lord with not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love."
I fear the wrong things in life Lord Jesus. I fear for myself and my position. I fear for my hopes and dreams. I fear for my own self comfort, while others are bearing the yoke...aching for the salvation of God and not knowing how that comes. My heart aches for them but my mind holds me back. My fear holds me back. Let grace my fears relieve...don't let me forget that grace.

***

Okay. That is the only way I could get some of that out. Now I will go into more detail. I feel like God is calling me to something. Something greater than I could imagine. I'm not sure what it is, and I'm not sure what to believe at the moment, but one thing I do know is that I'm sick and tired of being apathetic. I'm an artist...and for the past...four years I've been studying about other artists...learning my craft...doing what I thought God was calling me to...only to be struck with doubt. I think my thing is that...I'm learning about the suffering people, the broken people of the artist community but do I do anything about them? No. I only learn and feel a few moments of heartache. Even now, I feel like this post is somewhat superficial because...am I actually doing anything? I'm talking about how I don't want to just talk anymore. Yeesh.

There is an upside to this, however; and that is the movie Amazing Grace. In the movie William Wilberforce found God. He was a politician and did not know how to reconcile his politics with his faith. He went to his old pastor, John Newton, the man who wrote the hymn, Amazing Grace. Wilberforce didn't get very far when John told him that he was NOT meant for a life of solitude. That people wouldn't let him be. Wilberforce went on to become one of the most influential politicians in England...eventually getting a bill passed for the abolition of slavery in Britain.

Every time I watch that movie I get something new out of it...guess that is one of the marks of a good movie eh?

He was able to combine politics and faith in an extraordinary way. I feel like God is calling me to something larger than I know with my art. That fact...frankly terrifies me. I don't know how to handle it...

That combined with...well frankly my decline of passion...has got me in a real...interesting...situation.

I don't want to be apathetic to the world around me.

I don't want to forget the amazingly incredible work of Jesus for humanity.

Jesus, please don't let me sink into apathy. Lord, you know I'm scared but You also know I want to serve you. Jesus, please light the fire in my heart again for You and Your purpose.

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me.

~Alysha

Survey: Read to the end...there's a story

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Yes, my middle name. I was named after my great-grandma.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
I think...hmm...a few days ago...

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Eh. At times...

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
I'm not a big meat fan, but I'd have to say turkey

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Nope

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I hope so...

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Well, um...lets see...um...yes.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes, yes I do.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Eh...maybe...I'd rather skydive.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
hmmm Granola.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Nope

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Butter Pecan, cinnamon swirl

13. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Smiles/Eyes

14. RED OR PINK?
Depends on my mood. I like them both
15. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Legs
16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Well gosh...um...lets see...I miss lots of people a lot.
17. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
Nah...only a couple if they want to but I doubt anyone will.
18. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Pants = Blue. No shoes.
19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Stefanie talking to me.
20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Well, I'm not sure. Stef says I'd be purple...or green. I say either those or a happy yellow.
21. FAVORITE SMELLS? Pumpkin, Vanilla, I like citris...freshly baked bread...flowers...green apple...dove soap...guy cologne...my perfume...popcorn...pizza...basically I just love smells. :-)
22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My Dad
23. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Basketball, tennis, hockey...volleyball...soccer...
24. HAIR COLOR? brown with blonde highlights
25. EYE COLOR? Well it depends on the day. Stefanie says 'fantasy' and I like that so we'll go with it.
26. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nada
27. FAVORITE FOOD? Pancakes
28. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?happy endings
29. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?Inkheart
30. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Purple
31. SUMMER OR WINTER?? Summer for the no school...Winter for the weather
32. HUGS OR KISSES? I like both
33. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? No one
34. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Everyone
35. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING RIGHT NOW? Um...Wild At Heart, Walking with God, HP 5, Graceling...
36. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Don't have one
37. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Don't have tv at school
38. FAVORITE SOUND(S)? Not sure. I like music...I like the sound of my cat purring...
39. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? I like some of both
40. WHAT’S THE FARTHEST YOU’VE BEEN FROM HOME? Croatia, London, Germany
41. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Writing
42. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?Atlanta
43. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? I will be surprised if anyone does this
44. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Well let's see...one day, during my time as a closet world traveler... whilst I was in a hot air balloon...the wind picked up rather suddenly. I floated aimlessly until I saw that the balloon was losing altitude and heading straight for a mass of rather pointy branches. I didnt know what to do, there wasn't really anything I could do. Well, yes the inevitable happened because really what else could in a story like this. My hot air balloon got caught in the branches...and I was left there wondering if I should climb down or not. It was getting pretty dark and I began to see some rather unpleasant wildlife wandering below...then out of nowhere...I heard a voice say "Need any help?"
I looked down...and there...looking resplendent...was...
Mrs. Kandervian. A wealthy woman of prominence in the area. She signaled for her hunting party to come and some of the men helped me down. She then decided I was in need of matchmaking and decided to whisk me away to her estate for a ball she was giving.
I can't remember much about the ball except that I was wearing a gorgeous Burgundy dress that swished when I walked. All I know is that when I got downstairs...there wasn't one man under the age of 65. I gulped and made a decision that I was going to get out of there as soon as possible, but there was no way out. I danced and talked and laughed and tried to plot my escape...
One of the servants took pity on my plight and let me out through a hole in the wall. Thankfully it was summer so I wasn't freezing in that dress. I was able to hot wire a motorbike (Mrs. K was very eccentric in her collection of gas powered devices) and drive to the nearest town where i sold the dress and jewelry, bought new clothes...and an airplane ticket back to the states. I realized that I was going to be late for my first day of my new classes so I booked it to the school...I walked in...sat down and was promptly introduced to a guitar playing, writer with blue eyes and a fond attachment to his Fedora. We became fast friends and...well since I'm not one to prolong stories or anything...*snort* the rest is history. And that my dear children is how I met my 'significant other.'

Quirky

Hola my loverly readers!

Let's see...today's topic is...well...to be frankly honest I'm not sure what the topic of this post should be, but I feel the need to tell you that while I was typing i heard the unmistakable sounds of a male voice bellowing at the top of his lungs..." we all live in a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine..."
Now, this might be a good time to point out that I am on the fifth floor and this lovely rendition to that timeless song was heard from behind closed windows...five stories into the air. I'm not sure whether to comment on the capacity of his lungs or the thinness of our walls...it is a predicament.

Thin walls and loud voices aside...hmm...thin walls and loud voices...sounds like a good title for a poem. I'm just in the kind of mood to write a poem actually...so I think I will. You can stop reading now if you want but I gotta tell you, if you do you'll be missing out...*cheeky grin*

Ahem:

Thin Walls and Loud Voices:
A quiet afternoon
The sun shining through the windows
The only sound is the clickty clack of my fingers across the keyboard.
I am just about to share my brilliance with the cyber world when from below...
A voice rings out and shatters my concentration. Something between yelling and singing the voice snatches up my cohesive thoughts and runs away with them to some little villa in the south of France.
Now I am left without my ability to remember what life shattering words I was going to type and the poor fellow below my window is left without his ability to charm the blue jays back from their winter sabbatical.
I suppose my thoughts are having fun.
Perhaps his voice decided to take them on a hot air balloon ride.
Maybe they are drifting by a famous work of art.
I hope they bring me back something.
I also hope that the voice returns to its owner.
You can't trust thoughts with voices...especially if they are from two different individuals. I mean, when thought and speech combine...strange things begin to happen. Ideas are born...and not only that...they are expressed.
Such is the world we live in.
A world where voice and thought can run rampant
And Idea is held as King.
Now if I could only remember why I started this in the first place...
Oh yes...
It all began with that yellow submarine.

Heart issues

I've been here a week and already things are speeding up to a frenzy. I don't mind really...I felt like I needed to let out some thoughts/fears and well...as not many people read this anyway...this is mostly just for me. If you want to keep going, please do, but know that this will be kinda 'train of thought' and might not make sense at times.

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of what could happen if I let myself go.
If I actually started living...really living...fully devoted to Christ and embracing the talents He gave me and actually taking hold of the confidence found in Him, I'd be dangerous. I mean, lets face it. I come down on myself pretty hard. Being of an 'artistic' personality, I'm constantly looking for affirmation from outside sources. Sometimes I ache for someone to tell me that I can do something or just even re-hash my 'good' points or qualities. I constantly compare myself to other people and then wonder why I can't be happy with myself. I'm afraid of what I'd find 'under the hood' of my self-conscience. I'm afraid of what God would ask me to do. I know He has great plans for my life and I just...well part of me is frightened to let Him have all MY ideas about life.
I have plans...plans for a nice life...but God didn't call His people to a 'nice' existence and that terrifies me sometimes. I want to live for Christ...its...I dunno...its so...awesome...this life of passion for God...that its intimidating to me to be honest.
It all comes down to the issue of trust. I find it hard to trust people. I'm not sure when all of this started but I think it stems from the fact that I've always wanted/needed approval and a lot of times I didn't feel like I got the re-assurance that i needed...and therefore have spent my life trying to reach that point where I no longer have to strive for something that seems impossible to reach.

I've been doing some 'searching' through the inner corners of my mind...and I've been discovering some deep seeded wounds there...accompanied by some things I just have to accept about myself.

One thing is that...like all females I've always wanted to be the Beauty...but as it often happens life has swept in and made me believe that I couldn't be that. God is showing me that I can...and am supposed to but its very hard to accept. I don't see myself in that light and I'm not sure how to go about living in that.

I lash out at people I care about. I do. I love arguments...I know when I can push someone and when I can't and I push. That's not right...and its selfish. I mean...okay, I don't think I'll ever not 'argue' or 'banter' or use wit/sarcasm but I do need to work on not arguing for the sake of the argument. I'm realizing how much that can hurt relationships.

I...need to give up my 'I have to be in control' attitude about things. I cling tightly onto what I think should happen and when it doesn't I sink back into myself. I've gone so far in that its taken quite awhile to even see a speck of sun.

Also...I have an issue with holding too tightly onto some things. That has to stop. Its driving a wedge between me and God and I won't accept that for how I live life.

Okay...I've about exhausted myself at the moment emotionally. If you got this far in reading...please pray that I'll allow God to continue to shape me...and not hold onto my former self.

Thanks,
Alysha

What is this feeling...

Been silent for far too long haven't I?

Well, Christmas break came and went. I had my best semester yet grade wise so that was fun although I'd love it if I didn't emotionally wear myself out to get to that point.
Classes start tomorrow for the spring semester, and I must say I'm less than enthusiastic to be here. I'd much rather be home...but...I'm not so I've got to make the best of this semester and keep pushing along the path God has me walking down.

So much is flying through my head right now. I was doing so much better emotionally...but I'm feeling like I'm falling again, and I know it is the enemy trying to steal my joy. I won't let that happen. I fell away from the peace of my God for too long and I'm fighting now to again rest in Jesus.

I've actually got high hopes for this semester...none of my classes look like they're going to be extremely challenging...just LOTS of work. I'm taking 18 credit hours...my heaviest load yet here. After this semester though I only need to take like 15 both semesters of my senior year to graduate so that's fun. I let myself get lost in all of life's distractions last semester and I suffered from that emotionally...

Anyway, another semester is upon me whether I like it or not hehe...so it's better to go in with a positive attitude.

This is a learning experience...no pun intended.