Dare to HOPE!
I was re-reading some of my older posts from March last year and...I have to say I feel like I'm in kinda the same position that I was then only in a completely different way.
I've become far too dependent on other aspects of my life besides Christ.
I've come to expect that my days will be hard...that school will stress me out...that if I need to I can whine to someone about all of these things. I don't remember the last time I woke up and was thinking "God can make this a good day, and even if it doesn't go well...then HE will be my portion."
I hate that. I wish I could both be close to humans AND God at the same time. I want to be able to depend on others but ultimately depend on God to fill me up and to sustain me.
I'm not sure I've found that balance yet and I hate that because...I mean...I feel like I'm retreating into myself again because I'm afraid of what God would tell me to do if I ran after Him. I'd love to run after Him...LOVE to fall into His arms and let Him chase the darkness away. I feel like I'm grabbing so tightly to my fears and my thoughts and my hopes...my dreams to release them to God.
I *know* He has my best interest at heart and if I *do* need to give up something or be broken or whatever then He will give me the strength to be joyful in that situation.
I haven't been extremely close with God since last summer and I *hate* that. This year hasn't been that great as far as my walk with my Savior Jesus. I feel like it has been an extreme dry phase and I'm not sure that it should go on this long.
I'm scared frankly. I'm scared of myself...I'm scared of what God wants to do...I'm scared of my own stupid paranoia.
I had some encouragment today when I was reading my Bible. Psalm 73:26
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
That verse exactly sums up how I feel about myself. My flesh and my heart have failed me...and I just pray I can let God *be* my strength and my portion.
I'm tired of being afraid.
I know God has awesome plans for my life and I want to follow what Jesus has in store...
"This time I won't run away
I found the strength to face life's long days
This time I won't run away...
More than it seems these dreams inside (show me the way to these dreams)
Blur reality's line ('til there's nothing that's left of me)
If I could believe the dreams aside (show me the way to these dreams)
I am capable more than it seems
'Til there's nothing left of me
Show me the way to these dreams"
-- Kutless: More Than It Seems