Wednesday, February 25, 2009

These Dreams Inside

Dare to HOPE!

I was re-reading some of my older posts from March last year and...I have to say I feel like I'm in kinda the same position that I was then only in a completely different way.
I've become far too dependent on other aspects of my life besides Christ.

I've come to expect that my days will be hard...that school will stress me out...that if I need to I can whine to someone about all of these things. I don't remember the last time I woke up and was thinking "God can make this a good day, and even if it doesn't go well...then HE will be my portion."

I hate that. I wish I could both be close to humans AND God at the same time. I want to be able to depend on others but ultimately depend on God to fill me up and to sustain me.

I'm not sure I've found that balance yet and I hate that because...I mean...I feel like I'm retreating into myself again because I'm afraid of what God would tell me to do if I ran after Him. I'd love to run after Him...LOVE to fall into His arms and let Him chase the darkness away. I feel like I'm grabbing so tightly to my fears and my thoughts and my dreams to release them to God.

I *know* He has my best interest at heart and if I *do* need to give up something or be broken or whatever then He will give me the strength to be joyful in that situation.

I haven't been extremely close with God since last summer and I *hate* that. This year hasn't been that great as far as my walk with my Savior Jesus. I feel like it has been an extreme dry phase and I'm not sure that it should go on this long.

I'm scared frankly. I'm scared of myself...I'm scared of what God wants to do...I'm scared of my own stupid paranoia.

I had some encouragment today when I was reading my Bible. Psalm 73:26

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

That verse exactly sums up how I feel about myself. My flesh and my heart have failed me...and I just pray I can let God *be* my strength and my portion.

I'm tired of being afraid. tired.
I know God has awesome plans for my life and I want to follow what Jesus has in store...

"This time I won't run away
I found the strength to face life's long days
This time I won't run away...

More than it seems these dreams inside (show me the way to these dreams)
Blur reality's line ('til there's nothing that's left of me)
If I could believe the dreams aside (show me the way to these dreams)
I am capable more than it seems

'Til there's nothing left of me
Show me the way to these dreams"
-- Kutless: More Than It Seems

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Do you think I'm beautiful?

So...I'm a day late in writing something for v-day...but I figure better late than never. I'm kinda proud of this hehe I haven't really written anything 'romantic' in a while so was nice to get back into the groove. :-) Yeah if you're not feeling particularly cordial to romance at the moment I'd suggest skipping this blog...if on...I might use this scene in a story I'm working on but I'm not sure where exactly it'd fit. Right now it is an after v-day scene that wanted to be written.
Friendship --

She sat there trying to concentrate on the words in front of her but the pent up tears in her eyes kept the words a continual blur. She wasn't sure how long she could hold back what she didn't want him to see. Quickly she got up and left the room, taking her book with her as protection from the question in his eyes. She went to her quiet spot the place all her own. She sat huddled on the familiar old sofa and clung to a green throw pillow while her tears spilled out of their confinement. Her breath came in ragged gasps as the sobs wracked her body.
She tried to subdue her tears by focusing again on her book but that only helped for a few moments. Again the frustration, confusion, anxiety and helplessness surrounded her...taunting her just reached emotional balance. The second wave of tears began. She wished there was someone to hold her but she was alone. The memories of years past...countless times being in the exact room...her tears falling freely and no one there to dry them...crashed into her memory as another sob escaped her lips.
She heard a noise and looked up to see him standing in the doorway a look of confusion and concern mixing in his gaze. He walked over and sat beside her and asked to know the problem. She shook her head. She couldn't tell him...couldn't express the emotions she didn't understand herself.
He'd never seen her cry before and his eyes clouded with an unreadable expression as he sat with her and watched as the tears kept falling. He tried again to get her to talk to him. There was a slight pause as she tried to focus on her book instead of him. Finally, she was able to speak.

"I'm so tired." she whispered.
"I know" he replied.

"I'm sick of this..." she sniffed. "Why can't all this just go away." The tears were back again accompanied by the violent sobs. He took the book from her hands and wrapped his arms around her, his head resting on hers. She hugged him back, drawing strength from his calming presence.
"Thank you" she said quietly.
"For what?" he asked.
"Just holding me..."
He pulled out of the hug for a moment and looked into her tear-stained face. "My pleasure" he whispered and gently kissed her forehead.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Remembering You...

So...I know that literally I'm in 'winter' right now physically but I also feel like I'm in an emotional and spiritual winter also. I'm not sure how long I will be here but I found this song by Steven Curtis Chapman and it really encouraged me:

I found You in the most unlikely way
But really it was You who found me
And I found myself in the gifts that You gave
You gave me so much and I
I wish You could stay

but I'll, I'll wait for the day

And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing and I'll be remembering You,
I'll be remembering You

From the first moment when I heard Your name
Something in my heart came alive
You showed me love and no words could explain
A love with the power to
Open the door
To a world I was made for

(Chorus again)

The dark night, the hard fight
The long climb up the hill knowing the cost
The brave death, the last breathe
The silence whispering all hope was lost
The thunder, the wonder
A power that brings the dead back to life

I wish You could stay
But I'll wait for the day
And though You've gone away
You come back and...


And I'll watch as the sun fills a sky that was dark
And I'll be remembering You
And I'll think of the way that You fill up my heart
And I'll be remembering You...

I'll be remembering...

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Restless Creative Urge

Something I made today: