Heart issues

I've been here a week and already things are speeding up to a frenzy. I don't mind really...I felt like I needed to let out some thoughts/fears and well...as not many people read this anyway...this is mostly just for me. If you want to keep going, please do, but know that this will be kinda 'train of thought' and might not make sense at times.

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of what could happen if I let myself go.
If I actually started living...really living...fully devoted to Christ and embracing the talents He gave me and actually taking hold of the confidence found in Him, I'd be dangerous. I mean, lets face it. I come down on myself pretty hard. Being of an 'artistic' personality, I'm constantly looking for affirmation from outside sources. Sometimes I ache for someone to tell me that I can do something or just even re-hash my 'good' points or qualities. I constantly compare myself to other people and then wonder why I can't be happy with myself. I'm afraid of what I'd find 'under the hood' of my self-conscience. I'm afraid of what God would ask me to do. I know He has great plans for my life and I just...well part of me is frightened to let Him have all MY ideas about life.
I have plans...plans for a nice life...but God didn't call His people to a 'nice' existence and that terrifies me sometimes. I want to live for Christ...its...I dunno...its so...awesome...this life of passion for God...that its intimidating to me to be honest.
It all comes down to the issue of trust. I find it hard to trust people. I'm not sure when all of this started but I think it stems from the fact that I've always wanted/needed approval and a lot of times I didn't feel like I got the re-assurance that i needed...and therefore have spent my life trying to reach that point where I no longer have to strive for something that seems impossible to reach.

I've been doing some 'searching' through the inner corners of my mind...and I've been discovering some deep seeded wounds there...accompanied by some things I just have to accept about myself.

One thing is that...like all females I've always wanted to be the Beauty...but as it often happens life has swept in and made me believe that I couldn't be that. God is showing me that I can...and am supposed to but its very hard to accept. I don't see myself in that light and I'm not sure how to go about living in that.

I lash out at people I care about. I do. I love arguments...I know when I can push someone and when I can't and I push. That's not right...and its selfish. I mean...okay, I don't think I'll ever not 'argue' or 'banter' or use wit/sarcasm but I do need to work on not arguing for the sake of the argument. I'm realizing how much that can hurt relationships.

I...need to give up my 'I have to be in control' attitude about things. I cling tightly onto what I think should happen and when it doesn't I sink back into myself. I've gone so far in that its taken quite awhile to even see a speck of sun.

Also...I have an issue with holding too tightly onto some things. That has to stop. Its driving a wedge between me and God and I won't accept that for how I live life.

Okay...I've about exhausted myself at the moment emotionally. If you got this far in reading...please pray that I'll allow God to continue to shape me...and not hold onto my former self.

Thanks,
Alysha