What Can I Say?

So...
long time no write eh? Things have been pretty insane lately. The show I'm the assisstent director for just opened last weekend. The cast did a wonderful job! I was so proud of them :-)
We have two more shows this weekend and then we are DONE! I've been working on this show every week since I got back from Christmas Break and while it has been fun I will be glad when I've got more free time....which will be spent doing...school...yeah...not so fun but oh well.

Yeah without going into too much, my life has been pretty crazy as of late. I'm still very confused. I know I have to make a decision about something...no one can make it for me and when it comes right down to it, no one can really help. Growing up is kinda alarming at times. I'd love prayer for this if any of you get a chance. :-)
Since...although I am a writer I have a hard time expressing how I feel in plain words a lot of the time so here are some lyrics.

Sometimes I think I know what the right answer should be:
"The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay..."

Of course then there are other times when:
"How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy ending
Amost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close"

and then there are times when:
"Now my heart is music, such a simple song
Sing it again the notes never end this is where I belong"

I know God has a plan. I'm just not sure what that plan is as of now.
I'm starting to get that feeling that comes up sometimes. I get this churning in my stomach...like this...feeling that I know what I *should* do or *ought* to do but...I have no idea. Like...for instance, I struggle sometimes about whether or not God wants me to be a missionary overseas full time. I have a passion for the arts, and a passion for literature...I don't really have a passion for missions but maybe I'm just supposed to be over there...all alone in a foreign country...working and shunning traditional life. I don't *want* to do that, but I feel like I should...or that is what God wants me to do...and then other times I feel like I'm supposed to stay in America and live a more traditional life...well...traditional in the sense that I get married have kids and work as a writer/actress/agent or editor. That's what I *want* to do. That's what I'd like to do but that doesn't seem right somehow. I dunno if I'm just feeling guilty and I figure if God wanted me to do that sort of thing He would let me know in no uncertain terms like...giving me a passion for it. I mean I know sometimes God calls us to get out of our comfort zone and to denounce the world and such but I don't know if that's for me or not. I'd love to be able to say "yes I'll do that" but I...I...I dunno. I just don't know. You'd think I'd have some interest in full time missions if I was supposed to do that...and you'd think I'd be pretty dang set on celibicy if I was supposed to do that...but what if...I've thought all this stuff my whole life and then now God wants me to just drop everything I love and everything I want to do something I don't love but that I should do or that I'd grow to love eventually.
As you can see I'm pretty pathetic when it comes to hashing all of this stuff out. Generally, I don't feel the call to full time missions...its just when everything else blows up and gets stressful then I start thinking and thinking and thinking about it again and again. I guess that should tell me something eh?
I mean...on the one hand I could have let fear stifle my passion for missions...but...I don't really think that's the case.
I need to do school and stop hashing this out over and over in my head.
If you read this long...you get a gold star.
The End!

These Dreams Inside

Dare to HOPE!

I was re-reading some of my older posts from March last year and...I have to say I feel like I'm in kinda the same position that I was then only in a completely different way.

I've become far too dependent on other aspects of my life besides Christ.

I've come to expect that my days will be hard...that school will stress me out...that if I need to I can whine to someone about all of these things. I don't remember the last time I woke up and was thinking "God can make this a good day, and even if it doesn't go well...then HE will be my portion."

I hate that. I wish I could both be close to humans AND God at the same time. I want to be able to depend on others but ultimately depend on God to fill me up and to sustain me.

I'm not sure I've found that balance yet and I hate that because...I mean...I feel like I'm retreating into myself again because I'm afraid of what God would tell me to do if I ran after Him. I'd love to run after Him...LOVE to fall into His arms and let Him chase the darkness away. I feel like I'm grabbing so tightly to my fears and my thoughts and my hopes...my dreams to release them to God.

I *know* He has my best interest at heart and if I *do* need to give up something or be broken or whatever then He will give me the strength to be joyful in that situation.

I haven't been extremely close with God since last summer and I *hate* that. This year hasn't been that great as far as my walk with my Savior Jesus. I feel like it has been an extreme dry phase and I'm not sure that it should go on this long.

I'm scared frankly. I'm scared of myself...I'm scared of what God wants to do...I'm scared of my own stupid paranoia.

I had some encouragment today when I was reading my Bible. Psalm 73:26

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

That verse exactly sums up how I feel about myself. My flesh and my heart have failed me...and I just pray I can let God *be* my strength and my portion.

I'm tired of being afraid.

Just...so tired.

I know God has awesome plans for my life and I want to follow what Jesus has in store...

"This time I won't run away

I found the strength to face life's long days

This time I won't run away...

More than it seems these dreams inside (show me the way to these dreams)

Blur reality's line ('til there's nothing that's left of me)

If I could believe the dreams aside (show me the way to these dreams)

I am capable more than it seems

'Til there's nothing left of me

Show me the way to these dreams"

-- Kutless: More Than It Seems